Life Change

Moved the blog...

2010-09-04T14:06:00.001-04:00

to Wordpress.com now....just fyi...

http://rikaclark.wordpress.com/

So Much Life Change...

2010-05-16T19:21:00.004-04:00

May is the month, it seems, for many momentous changes in my family.

My parents have sold their home of 38 years. The home where I spent my high school years. They are at an age where downsizing and moving closer to me is the best thing--though a decidedly bittersweet thing.

My only child has finished her last final and will graduate from college in a few weeks. She will come home for a short time, to job hunt and gather her wits about her as we pray and seek the next steps in the Lord's plans for her.

My sister and her family will also move to a new house...in Tennessee. She will be ending the long distance commute from there to DC that she's had for nearly a year to trust the Lord for His provision...and end her four-day-a-week stay at our home.

So many transitions happening at the same time. I could be a train-wreck of emotions in the midst of it, if I let myself.

But today (a busy, short-staffed Sunday, with so much to do and more to care for) the Lord showed me in no uncertain terms that He is in charge...that He cares more than I ever could...that if I listen carefully and focus, He will lead me through anything...with a peace and calm that is astounding---especially for me. What a miracle of a day.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." (Isaiah 26:3-4)

A Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T17:12:00.007-04:00

I am married to a man who loves and honors me in the most awesome ways. Now my child, trying to survive the last two weeks of her college career, didn't make it home this weekend-- though called to express her love and devotion to me, nonetheless!

But my sweet husband pampered me today with things that...well...pamper me! :) Gifts...acts of service.... and especially fun for me is the card--reflecting the pretty respectable collection of chucks in my closet!

The Lord brought me gifts as well. I always hope to have peonies blooming in the yard for Mother's Day and it doesn't always happen. But this year, I had the first blooms of the season to cut and add to some rhododendron (that I didn't even know was in my yard) starting yesterday!

I love flowers...simple ones that just grow on their own...without too much help from me--not being any kind of a gardener! I'm trying to read about how to care more for them, though, and hopefully, in my older age, will have a fantastical garden to show for it.

I pray it has been as beautiful a day for all moms I know...and that all their kids (and/or husbands!) remember to honor them...

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." (Ex. 20:12)

Small Group...

2010-04-25T15:31:00.005-04:00

Colossians 3:12-14 (Amplified Bible)

Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].
Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].
And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony].

I have had the privilege of leading a small group of women for the last 5 years. It's morphed from high school juniors to college women, to young professional women. Some of it's members have changed over the years--moves to other places and things. Still, the small group has continued.

The Lord has taught me so many things that I couldn't have learned or known without them. And each woman He brings to the group challenges me in ways I never could be otherwise. They have each brought me closer to Him, through learning more about Him, imitating His ways, seeking His wisdom and guidance, humbling me. They have taught me to expand my capacity to love and to have patience and listen more closely. They have taught me so much about grace and forgiveness.

How rich are the lives of the people He's created on this earth. How wonderful He is to let us experience that richness through godly fellowship. What a gift. And an absolute joy....

Awesome message...

2010-03-05T20:53:00.003-05:00

For those of us that didn't attend the Passion 2010 Conference maybe because we were intimidated by the 20,000 YOUNGER men and women there that attended, we have the blessed Vimeo (and thanks Jacob Marlowe!).

And for those of you that didn't go, you should have, just to have heard THIS! May it bless you, challenge you, encourage you...and I pray He will use this to draw you to Himself....

Andy Stanley - Passion 2010 Main Session Talk- It is Always a Mistake To Decide What You Do Before You Decide Who You Want To Be from Jacob Marlowe on Vimeo.

A New Spirit...

2010-01-19T12:08:00.008-05:00

I'm reading a bunch of great books while taking some time away from work. One of them is by a man named Andrew Wilson called God Stories.

In a very short chapter (they are all really short chapters!) entitled "A New Spirit" I am reminded once again of the truth that accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior transforms us.

"...God gives us a new DNA, a new heart and a new spirit, not a new rule book or a new method. It's because he makes us want different things, not just strive for them; he gives us new desires, not just new disciplines."

After the chapter, the author has a READ AND REFLECT segment:

"It's great to understand the theology of "a new spirit", but what about the practice? How does it actually work in my daily life? Well, this is something addressed by Paul in two particular places....."

Here's one of the two places that he exhorts us to "get the vision for what life in the Spirit looks like in reality." I read it out loud...and it is stunning:

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. (Romans 8:5-14)

Read and reflect....

Prayer....

2010-01-14T16:31:00.004-05:00

The topic of Prayer seems to be everywhere in my little world these days--again. All the teaching pastors at McLean have preached sermons in the last few weeks on prayer and/or have referred to past recordings on the topic. Louie Giglio preached a series in December before the Passion 2010 Conference about it. John Piper also has a recent sermon on the subject.

I guess it makes sense that the start of a new year would prompt the people of God to fall on our faces before Him--to confess sin....to commit obedience to His plans for 2010...to ask for guidance and direction in those plans....to want to learn how to hear from Him.

And with the tragic earthquake in Haiti, I am prompted to cry out for others in a way I didn't expect to. A sobering and humbling thought as I take time away from home to read and think about what the Lord is trying to get across to me this time.

For today, some start-of-the-journey questions to ponder that I was confronted with:

Are you willing to take time to pray about your prayer life?
Do you begin each day talking to God?
Do you end the day talking to God?
When do you pray? When is your time with God?
Where do you pray? Where is your solitary meeting place(s) with God?

and a quote:

Prayer is as vast as God because He is behind it. Prayer is as mighty as God because He has committed Himself to it." (Leonard Ravenhill)

and a scripture for people I am praying for:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and dept of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ---to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)

It's a New Year....

2010-01-07T22:15:00.005-05:00

and it's already day seven.

2009 happened at such a fast pace that I'm only now catching my breath enough to look back and, more importantly, to look forward into this year.

And as happens quite a bit these days, I seemed to have "stumbled" into the Lord's classroom.

Unwittingly, today I finally downloaded a few articles I "happened" to run across in a "random" Discipleship Journal Online News email I received this past Tuesday. The issue began with an article entitled "Rethinking Resolutions"--which caught my eye.

I then noticed a few other articles about having a time of seeking the Lord and also about restoring margin to one's life. (Now please understand that I get Discipleship Journal emails in my in box every quarter, but never seem to find the time to actually read any of them.)

There was also a sample of the first two chapters in a book called "Living in the Companionship of God"---and I downloaded them just because it was free.

After printing each one, I put them aside to read later---which just happened to be tonight.

[Background: Fred and I had been talking about taking some time off (40 days, to be precise)--some downtime...to rest...to pray....to think about what the Lord would have us do next in our lives. And we managed to mangle that down to a few weeks this month and about 10 days next month.]

After reading all the downloaded materials and seeing how they all tied together into a theme of "rest and listen to what the Lord will reveal".....and then picking up two of my bedside devotionals and reading the same message...and then "noticing" a book I'd had on my shelf for a year or more (but hadn't read) on "pausing" in our days and weeks to hear what the Lord has to say to us....

Well...I've arrived at my "well, DUH" moment. I guess the Lord had planned all along this time for us to be listening.

It takes a while for me sometimes....

(About the voice of Wisdom) "Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at my doorposts. For he who finds me finds life, and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 8:34-35)

Add to the Beauty...

2009-12-07T11:51:00.004-05:00

I really love Sarah Groves' songs. The lyrics to some of her older albums are stuck in my head these days, especially with all that's been going on, and the Lord has used them to inspire me. These words, for instance, played over and over in my head through the ICM Banquet:

Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

This morning, having time to really think and pray about all that has happened in this last week, including my brother-in-law's visit and accepting Christ, including the donation to sponsor 3 preschools for our NYAid event in answers to prayers a group of us prayed last night, including all that the Lord accomplished in bringing together 300 people for a banquet for the poor in the Philippines, this song comes to mind:

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

I can't possibly begin to share all the intricate details of all that He has done this past week...all the amazing stories I've been hearing from others. What I can say is that He's changed my life---again---and I have never been so grateful for my salvation...never been so aware of my sin and the fact that it doesn't depend on me---not one bit....never been so understanding of His faithful, eternal love for me and everyone who calls on His name....never been so confident that He is GOD and He cannot be stopped.

"Blessed are you, O LORD, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O LORD, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. And now we thank, our God, and praise your glorious name." (1 Chronicles 29:10-13)

Amen and amen...

Grateful....

2009-11-21T10:45:00.005-05:00

Before I accepted the Lord's great gift of salvation, I had plans for my life. Those plans didn't really include marriage, nor having any children. I was hoping and working towards being a great writer/journalist, traveling and have a home on the West coast somewhere and a home in the mountains with horses, and to be able to visit New York city on a regular basis. I was going to see the world.

The Lord had better plans, it seems. And the gracious God that He is, saw the desires of my heart...knowing what was best for me, and gave me the loving and generous husband that I have...the amazing child I was privileged to raise and am in awe of...a home on the East coast, a home in the mountains (though, without horses) and a family I married into that lives on the West coast!

The thing that really humbles me though, is how He answered my desire to see the world...not as a tourist who breezes in, seeing only the surface or outer shell of each place, but as a member of the body of Christ, that gets to see inside, where and how some of the people live through HIS eyes...with a heart and compassion that HE so graciously gives me.

This Thanksgiving holiday I am grateful for His infinite love and grace...for His transformational plans for me...teaching me to love people and not things or places....growing me in ways I could never have grown on my own. Thank you, Lord.

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." (John 1:16)

Home from the Philippines...

2009-11-12T21:58:00.002-05:00

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
and when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
(Sarah Groves)

So today...

2009-10-13T12:07:00.003-04:00

I've started to write this post about 4 times now and just can't seem to figure out what thing to write about....the study I'm doing on Holiness and the things I'm learning? Or the books I'm reading and what I'm learning from that? The mind blowing time spent in prayer and in reading the Word and what's come from that? The upcoming trip the the Philippines? The Terror Maze? Encouraging time with students? With Leaders?

It's all too much to write about in a blog today.

The Rock staff is tasked with memorizing Psalm 119:1-8 by next week. So I'll leave here just that:

Blessed are those whose way is blameless,
who walk in the law of the LORD!
Blessed are those who keep his testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways!
You have commanded your precepts
to be kept diligently.
Oh that my ways may be steadfast
in keeping your statutes!
Then I shall not be put to shame,
having my eyes fixed on all your commandments.
I will praise you with an upright heart,
when I learn your righteous rules.
I will keep your statutes;
do not utterly forsake me!

Todays Unreached People group....

2009-10-12T15:33:00.004-04:00

I've added this great gadget in my sidebar from the Joshua Project....reminds us to be praying for the rest of the world to be impacted with the message of the Gospel....

2009-09-18T19:42:00.003-04:00

So...cleaning out my craft room, to have a guest room, or office, or whatever it may morph into, is the home project of the last few months....and I hadn't realized just how hard it would be...letting go of things I can get pretty prideful over.

God has been so gentle and kind with reminders like these, letting me know I'm pointed in the right direction....

"but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD." (Jeremiah 9:24)

Part 2--What Do I Know of Holy?

2009-08-25T17:16:00.007-04:00

Jess West sent me a text this morning prompting me to listen to this Addison Road song--which I'd forgotten I had on my IPod.

I listened to it before my time with the Lord in His Word...and was completely overwhelmed. I remembered then that Ben Lashey (an MBC worship leader extraordinaire) sang this a few weeks ago for Tyson's main services. I was there...and I heard...but I must not have been tuning in.

This morning, though, I was stung by the words:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Lord, it's obvious that I'm still learning...oh, but I so want to learn.

My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you. For when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness. (Isaiah 26:9 -ESV)

Learning (Part 1)

2009-08-23T12:39:00.007-04:00

I’ve finished reading Helen Roseveare’s Living Holiness…and I’m a third of the way through R.C. Sproul’s Pleasing God. I’m guessing that it’s His perfect timing that the things I’m reading have such a profound impact in my heart right now.

Sproul’s is one of the most important books I’ve read in a long time in setting the groundwork in our walk of sanctification.

Reading in Ezra this morning, I highlighted 7:10:

“For Ezra had set his heart to study the Law of the LORD and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel.”

It wasn’t until I read it again and again that I took note of the words “and to do it”. Ezra set his heart to study, which is challenging enough, and then did what he learned…before he taught others.

I’ve been learning about holiness and sanctification all summer, reading what the Lord has to say about it along with all the other materials that have come my way. It’s been challenging. It’s been uncomfortable. Especially when I ask myself if I am living what I am learning?

Sproul starts in chapter one with the episode of Jesus healing the blind man recorded in Mark 8:22-25. He points out that the man was healed in stages: the first stage causing regeneration, a healing, so that the man could see, and the second stage caused a sharper focus, so that the man could see clearly.

“Though we are regenerated instantly by the sovereign power of God and are transferred immediately from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light, our sanctification is indeed in stages….Regeneration is the beginning of a journey. It is a journey with successes and failures, with growth amidst stumbling. At times, the progress seems painfully slow, but progress is there. It is a movement to sharper focus—a life that begins with a touch of tender grace that moves toward more grace.”

I am saved through grace, that very tender grace. In my salvation…AND in my sanctification. Amen and amen.

Flowers...

2009-08-04T22:16:00.002-04:00

When we lived in DC, on Capitol Hill, we used to go to Eastern Market every weekend and get fresh flowers for the house. I love fresh cut flowers in the house. On any occasion (and sometimes for no occasion at all) Fred would bring me flowers from the Market, so often I'd begun to take it for granted.

We moved to Arlington 10 years ago now and Eastern Market isn't someplace that we get to often any more. But somehow it hasn't stopped my dear husband from buying flowers.

These came by delivery on one of the two days he was away on business last week. They came the morning after a particularly hard day for me that he knew nothing about. They were the perfect symbol for the "new day"...full of color and hope and love.

I feel so blessed in these days as the tender, caring, nurturing God reminds me how much He loves me through my family and friends.

"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him,..." (Nahum 1:7)

2009-07-31T21:54:00.005-04:00

So my child turned 21 yesterday...and I really didn't think about it yesterday....but today? Well, that's another story.

She came along on the mission trip to the Dominican Republic with the Rock Student Ministries....and she did a great job serving in every situation. She became the "big sister" of Kassandra, the child I connected with last year. It was fun to have all the girls at Sonia's orphanage meet my daughter...and they loved her. I watched that compassion for those less fortunate rise up in her...from when she was a little thing....

God has been so gracious to allow me to be mom to this girl...though that role is changing shape once again....

But I guess it's always been a lifestyle of transitions....infant to toddler, toddler to preschooler, to elementary school kid, to high schooler and then the college-aged...but it happens so fast and all-of-a-sudden--that adult change. Maybe it happens faster as I grow older....which means that I probably shouldn't blink during the next half of my life!

By His grace Hannah and I made it through those transitions and by His grace have managed to have the great relationship that we do. I certainly deserve none of it.

Isaiah 46:4 reads:

"even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save."

And this from Amy Carmichael's "Candles in the Dark" about that same verse that made me laugh:

"...The Lord has borne with me all these years. How can He? Oh, His patience, His continuance in love, knowing all and yet still loving---it is too wonderful for me ever to understand. He takes the dust we lay at the foot of the cross.

Isn't this a nice version of Isaiah 46:4: 'I have made and I will put up with thee.' It has been my word lately---so comforting--and I give it to you."

Tuesday!!!!

2009-07-07T20:37:00.007-04:00

"Love one another, that thereby, all men will know that you are My disciples." (John 13:35)

YAY!

So, I've finally managed to get my timing right and post another Tuesday Teaser! I kept remembering on days that were NOT Tuesday! :)

For those of you who don't know what that even means:

Grab your current read (whatever book you are reading right now)
Open to a random page
Share two (2) "teaser" sentences from somewhere on that page
BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn't give too much away! You don't want to ruin the book for others!)
Share the title & author, too, so that others can add it to their TBR (to be read) lists if they like your teasers!

My Teasers:

“That a senior woman of different culture and a different language from mine was willing to offer me Christ's love without first 'getting to know' me, to evaluate whether I was worth loving or not, was a quite extraordinary experience. Nothing else in my first month honestly caused me culture shock, but this one act--a warmhearted hug, a straight look, a gentle comment: 'I love you' - this caused me a lot of personal heart-searching.”

~ p.96, “Living Holiness: Willing To Be the Legs Of A Galloping Horse” by Dr. Helen Roseveare

2009-06-06T16:26:00.003-04:00

"Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?" (James 2:5)

We've been back from our trip to Uganda for almost a week now. Most of us had our cameras and we took thousands of photos between us. I don't even know how to choose which to upload. And which ones really give a true sense of what we experienced?

I've learned that the poorest of the poor live on less than $1.25 per day. I used to asked myself "what does that even look like?"... and now I know. And I'm told there are those who live on even less than that. They are the "ultra" poor.

James' words are more clear now. Those who are that poor depend on God in a way that this western culture cannot even begin to understand. But what about those poor who don't know God?

We can't fix poverty. We can help alleviate some of it, but we cannot eradicate it. Our selfish human nature makes that impossible. As believers, we have the only answer there is: the gospel...the good news that Christ made a point to let John know was being preached to the poor.

Upon coming home I didn't really know how to think. And I've been asking the Lord each day since, what part it mine? What does He want me to do?

Charles Spurgeon says this:

"Brethren, do something; do something, do something! While societies and unions make constitutions, let us win souls."

Let us win souls....let us be serious and sober in our efforts....so that more people armed with the saving message of the Gospel can go...and help alleviate some more of it.

Nostalgia....

2009-05-17T18:15:00.003-04:00

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
(1 Thessalonians 5:11)

We had a baby shower for Annie on Saturday that brought back together again the women on the Rock staff that I began with. Now, the Lord has seen fit to move Catherine to minister in another church, has Jess as mom to 2 little girls and heading up her own BSF class next fall, has Lauren as mom to her first baby girl (who is already a toddler!), and Annie ready to deliver her first, and a boy no less! It is all so wonderful and overwhelming to see where the Lord has lead us so far.

And it was good to see them...but somehow heart-rending at the same time. And I understand about all that "time moving on" thing. But we were "the girls in the office" after all. And I miss us sometimes.

This month's gifts...

2009-05-09T22:26:00.005-04:00

Can I just tell you how much I LOVE presents?????

The month of May has already been full of the Lord's kindnesses to me!

The Tuesday before the National Day of Prayer, I was invited by a wonderful friend, Kathy Wright, to a Women's Prayer Breakfast where Shirley Dobson, Beth Moore and Vonette Bright all spoke and prayed. There were 7 women invited to pray for 7 different concerns for our nation: Government, Military, Business, Education, Media, Families, and the Church. It was amazing to be in such a group of women who had such a passion and heart to pray for those areas. One of the first places I ever served at McLean Bible was in the prayer ministry. I learned then that prayer is a responsibility for all Christians, but also that there is a calling to prayer that is indescribable! To have helped with the few National Day of Prayer observances over the years and to be at this event celebrating the NDP---well, it was all very surreal.

And it was at McLean Bible that I was first introduced to Beth Moore. I had never heard of her before then. Her passion for God's word and her obvious love for Him served as my initial inspiration and she had (and still has--the her many bible studies!) a profound impact on my spiritual growth. She will never know how absolutely amazing it was to speak to speak to her, however briefly, and I will always be greatful for her kindness in giving me a hug! :)

Two days later was McLean's own NDP observance and our awesome team lead by Joe Henriquez, campus pastor, did a wonderful job in honoring the Lord and the day for us all. Later that same day, at our All Staff meeting, we watched a 40 minute sermon "How Great Is Our God" by Louie Giglio which brought us all to our spiritual knees in awe and humility. I purchased copies of it immediately! How I could have NEVER heard of this thing is a huge mystery.

Friday, my precious day off, I come home from errands to find a beautiful bouquet of multi-colored tulips at my door with a note from the Arlington House Group, blessing me to no end for Mother's Day! What a delight and suprise and joy!

And today? We are out for evangelism training with students going our our mission trips this summer. The Lord was so good to not only hold off the rain, but to give us glorious sunshine and warmth! In the neighborhood we were in, everyone was out and walking and we gathered such a crowd as we shared the gospel message with them and just hung out with them under the trees! Several people (including some of the older children) made a decision for Christ. Others asked about coming to church at McLean. Others talked about their understanding of what Christ had done....but this life is hard. Even more of a reason to walk with Him! How can we ever do it without Him?

I am once again humbled. And since that is my recurring prayer, I guess that's again the Lord's mercy and grace on me. Certainly....how great is our God!
"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

Gifts...

2009-04-03T22:22:00.009-04:00

The Lord is so kind. More and more I find myself catching my breath when I look around my home...I take such comfort and joy at the simple things....the quilt handmade by my husband's grandmother on our bed...the fresh tulips on the dining room table....the cherry tree I see through the backdoor in the mornings, spreading over our deck and the ones lining the quiet, dead-end street we live on....I am so unbelievably blessed.

With more gifts that I can count. The Passover Seder demonstration we experienced as a staff was one of the more unforgettable ones, moving me to tears. Maybe it's because I getting older and more sentimental....maybe it's the convicting message and exhortation that Joe Henriquez gave last month....maybe the Lord has prepared my heart for this time. Whatever it is, I am so aware and so overwhelmed this Easter season---what Jesus faced for me, what He suffered for me, how He died for me. It is the age-old message of Christ-followers, but somehow I've missed this:

"For the moment, lay yourselves aside. Become one of the first disciples. And in that skin, consider: what makes the appearance of the resurrected Lord such a transport of joy for you? Consider this in every fiber of your created being. How is it that so durable a joy is born at this encounter?--joy that shall hereafter survive threats and dangers and persecutions, confusions and death, even your own death?

Well, Jesus has been dead. Now he is alive. No one expects the dead to live. This causes a speechless astonishment. Is this also joy?

Well, the one whom you loved is here! Your beloved is back, Hooray! This is "gladness." This is delight and "peace", and gratitude. But is it also joy?

Well, and at his appearing, the Son of God has just kept the hardest of all his promises; he rose from the dead, exactly as he said. This is marvelous affirmation, the absolute guarantee that he shall keep to every other promise, from salvation to the sending of the Spirit to the raising of the dead. This is bright, sustaining assurance of faith. Is it also joy?

What causes joy?

What transfigures you, you flaming disciple, you burning witness, with such a fusion of joy in the encounter?

This: not just that the Lord was dead, but that you grieved his death.....You see? The disciples approached the Resurrection from their bereavement. For them the death was first, and the death was all. Easter, then, was an explosion of Newness, a marvelous splitting of heaven indeed. But for us, who return backward into the past, the Resurrection comes first, and through it we view a death which is therefore, less consuming, less horrible, even less real. We miss the disciples' terrible, wonderful preparation." (From Reliving the Passion by Walter Wangerin, Jr.)

"So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." (John 16: 22)

Creativity in the genes....

2009-03-29T23:46:00.007-04:00

Here is the latest creation of my mom's....she proudly showed this off when I visited her for lunch last week. As I photographed and admired the miniature soba-hut, with all it's intricate detail, I was reminded that she is the reason why I love to craft so much...and why it all has to be so precise...and why I agonize over every little detail.

My childhood was filled with this, in the most subtle, seemingly inconsequential ways---that attention to detail, that striving for perfection, that pleasure in having created something...that desire for it to be admired.

And I look to my heavenly Father, and all around me this Spring are the things He created. And I want to praise Him...joyously clapping (a la Beth Moore) at all that He has done.

"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him." (Colossians 1:16)

Some of my women friends....

2009-03-08T20:02:00.011-04:00

I thank God for you....each and every one of you....for bringing His truth and clarity and wisdom and peace and gentleness and patience and love to me. What a gift we have in the Body that so often is taken for granted---friends...in the truest and most noble sense of the word.

Unity...

2009-03-03T00:35:00.006-05:00

Sr. High Winter Camp 2009....all about unity...loving one another....as Christ would have his church love one another. I was so blessed to watch the students care for one another, pray for one another...and experience the Spirit leading them. And how excited we all are to see how God will change the way we interact with each other from now on.

"Make us one...make us one, Lord
Make us one and heal the broken body..."

In Jesus' name....

Up to the Mountain...

2009-02-22T20:40:00.006-05:00

I just got home from a week in Vail. The Colorado Rockies have some of the most majestic and beautiful views on earth. And after all the years I've been going, it occurs to me only this week that the Lord calls me "up to the mountain" each year to teach me something important in the midst of the craziness of my life--something He wants to tell me there. It's not that He's not teaching me important things when I'm home or at other places. But getting out of the noisy valleys and up to the mountain top tends to allow one the ability to hear just that One voice. And the things I end up journaling about seem to change the course of my life a little more each time. Duh.

I brought the journal that I usually throw in my bag to take with me when I'm away from home. And after finishing an entry on the next available page, I turned back to the first page, curious about when I'd started it and what I'd written. It starts with an entry from January 13, 2006:

"...From MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST the devotion asks 'Have you ever been alone with God?' Our solitude with Him...His solitude with US....'When they were alone, He explained all things to His disciples.' (Mark 4:34) 'When He was alone...the twelve asked him about the parable.' (Mark 4:10)"

Then, reading on to January 14, I had written some quotes from the book I was reading and some scripture:

"The principle of unity and its paramount importance was imparted to the early church through the person and work of the Spirit of God." (From Fresh Power by Jim Cymbala)
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 15:5-6)

We're leaving for Sr. High Winter Camp this Friday. And we've been talking to the students about unity all month in preparation for that same message for this weekend.

Going up to the mountain, I am reminded of the power of God's Spirit in us and how it only reveals truth. I feel like I'm seeing the truth unveiled in His word for the first time after hearing it forever---all the promises He made to us in His word are ours! We have them. We have the power and the ability as believers to live this life that He's given us to the full.

God, let the students understand that...let their eyes be opened by your Spirit to the truth..because IT WILL CHANGE THEIR LIVES. Amen.

Asking for wisdom...

2009-02-03T21:22:00.007-05:00

I've just finished reading this amazing book this past weekend-- We Would See Jesus -- by Roy Hession. And it took me the better part of 9 months or so to get through it, even though it's this little 154 page paperback book. I've picked it up and read things that applied at that precise moment, put it down for weeks, and picking it up again, read the next concept that applied at that moment. God is so smart that way, isn't He?

This thing from the last chapter has held my attention these few days, especially since I've been asking God for wisdom....and after hearing the sermon Todd Phillips preached on Sunday about the wisdom Solomon asked of God...and reading the Gathering blogs from their time of fasting.

When God said to Solomon, "Ask what I shall give thee," he was, so to speak, offered a blank check. Instead of seeking selfish ends, the king simply asked "Give therefore Thy servant an understanding heart to judge Thy people". The margin put it: "a hearing heart" -- that is, a dispostion of brokenness which is willing to listen to God, to be told what to do."

I keep thinking about that "disposition of brokenness"...that willingness to listen to God, to be told what to do. When I ask for wisdom, do I really mean THAT? The humility in it is astounding, when you think about it, and, well...humbling!

The book is a reminder about Jesus being the ends AND the means. He is the way to get there and He IS the there.

"...what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul..." (Deuteronomy 10:12)

Home Sick....

2009-01-29T11:47:00.002-05:00

Flowers to cheer me up while I'm at home sick....thank you Capri! :)

I'm guessing the Lord is having me take a short break from things. On the heels of an amazing JH Winter Camp, we get a few days to recover and then I get hit with the winter cold I usually get around NYE. I've raved about my cold tea and the Zicam that usually keeps me going for so long now, it's a little embarrassing to find that it's not helping as much this time....or maybe I should be a heck of a lot sicker!

In any case, I feel bad that it's taken this many days for the Lord to get through to me about my out of control priorities. There is such a peace when we hand things over to Him to work out and I keep forgetting that. I wonder if this is one of the many concepts I'll be working on for the duration of this life? What in the world IS that anyway? Today I want to hear from Him to find out. No, today I just want to be still and listen.

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight. " (Psalm 119:76-77)

Simple Messages....

2009-01-16T09:40:00.010-05:00

So weird how this coffee culture of ours has defined simplicity in our lives.

Hannah took this picture when we were out grabbing a Starbucks (and do you notice how that is synonymous with "coffee" now???)

I loved the image and how each individual word makes you slow down and feel it somehow. Communication....words....isn't God just so smart?

"In the beginning was the WORD. And the WORD was with God and the WORD WAS God..." Words were created to have integrity and worth and deliver truth. The value of words is in it's maker. It is no wonder that the enemy of our souls would twist and mangle, confuse and deceive, and try to trip us up daily in our use of the precious word.
I remember Ravi Zacharias coming to McLean Bible years ago, talking about the word and our command of the English language. He impressed upon me the idea that communicating clearly and rightly is so important....is life and death...and what we communicate through our mis-handling and laziness is such a sad message.

Paul was the great communicator, but it was something that he exhorted us all to be, so we know it must be possible:

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." (2 Timothy 2:15)

I'm inspired tonight, by so many things....and I want to be equipped. So, I'm going to learn how to better present the Gospel after church Saturday night with Jews for Jesus. And then, God willing, I'll have the opportunity to do just that on Tuesday in DC with some of the thousands that will be visiting our city for the inauguration.

2009 Begins...

2009-01-10T22:27:00.007-05:00

And I'm way behind already with updates to the blog! What a mess....10 days into the year and I'm ready to throw in the towel for a photo-a-day challenge and more diligent blogging....

"FOCUS" might be the word for this year....and "ORGANIZE". I now have a weekly planner (a suggestion given to me by more than one of the most organized women I know) that I carry around with me everywhere...and I've cleaned a little of the clutter in my office to make room on the white board for a daily TO-DO list (inspired by Neil Arey). I'm hoping that these additions to my life will create some semblance of a routine and that I'll at least FEEL like I'm not running in 5 different directions at the same time to accomplish nothing!

Spiritual disciplines have been a more encouraging venture this year--granted, we're only on day 10! Reading in the Word each morning in my new ESV study bible and writing in a prayer journal that my husband and I both have a copy of keeps me uplifted AND accountable. Daily prayer time with my best friend Victoria has gone pretty much faithfully for the last 7 or so years that we've known each other---and we get to spend eternity together, too!

Life can get pretty exhausting, and suddenly, like a ray of the sun coming through the clouds after a rain, there is joy and hope and energy again. 2009 seems to be starting like that.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." (1 John 5:20)

The Day After Christmas...

2008-12-26T14:58:00.005-05:00

So the hustle and bustle is over...the clean-up perhaps still to come, or prayerfully already taken care of. There is a quite that fills all the spaces through this day. As I have coffee in front of the fireplace, I find myself having time to reflect on the conversations the night before, on gifts given and received.

The best gift was the reminder that Jesus was born on this earth to pay for my sins. Lon's service on Christmas eve was the simple, but profound message that Jesus came so that we may be forgiven. He came to make a way for me to have a relationship with the living, holy God. It's bewildering when I really think about it.

The second very best gift was having my family all here, all together, and enjoying one another's company. The challenges this past year certainly didn't guarantee that would happen. But once again, I experience a merciful and loving God that brought joy and peace and laughter to our house on Christmas night.

Hannah was home for the first time in a long time on Christmas morning (normally being with her dad--I understand poignantly why God hates divorce). It was so wonderful to have her next to me in the chaos of cooking that always happens, the sous-chef extraordinaire....and she and Fred took care of things long enough to let me pull myself together before the rest of my family arrived--a miracle, believe me!

And we all had someone to remember, those friends and family members having one of the hardest Christmas' ever.

This quiet day after Christmas, as I thank Jesus for everything, I again think of them...and lift up a prayer for His merciful peace and comfort and for the miracle of His coming to change their lives.

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."(Isaiah 9:6)

Giving....

2008-12-14T19:55:00.006-05:00

I've been listening to Sara Groves on my iPod for the last week or so and the words to one song sticks with me and rewinds in my head as a challenge:

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me
what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

Student Ministries is in the midst of raising funds for an orphanage in the Dominican Republic full of young children who've survived the most atrocious of crimes against them and are trying to survive just growing up. I've just connected with Myal from World Relief about our friends in Rwanda. A young college friend of mine just sent me a link to a coffee house that raises money for Rwandan farmers to have, among other things, bicycles to travel with....and I'm brought back to my memories of the hundreds of people that walked everywhere...the children hauling water back to their shacks and huts...the mothers balancing supplies on their heads with children strapped to their backs....of people living in mountains of garbage....

We live in a culture and a country that has more than enough...and we're blind to it. Yet the people of God have been given the understanding to bring His calm and peace into a fearful and dark world. This Christmas, dear Lord, remind your people that we have a Father that provides for our every need...and we've been blessed to be a blessing to others. Help us to remember that our riches come from you...and be ready to be a people that gives...and gives...and gives....Amen.

Blogging...

2008-12-12T21:33:00.003-05:00

What is of import to speak of today? What is it that I want to remember of this moment?

We had our House Group Christmas party today. My husband stayed home and decorated the tree and the house while I was at work. And 15 students showed up. All four of us leaders were also in attendance...we had a full house and it was wonderful.

There was no agenda, but a few students asked if we would be having bible study. We decided to gather in the basement and talk about our experience last week at the Veterans' home...and talk about New Year's eve. One student is moved now to sell t-shirts. And that same student wants us to go out and share our faith as a group. Two other students were challenged to unify the believers in their school instead of letting the world tear them apart and keep them fighting with each other. Another student who is new to our house group and our church is feeling more connected now at week 2. Another student is brand new today and says he'll be back when we meet again in January.

We all introduced ourselves and talked about what we want to be when we grow up. Two missionaries. Incredible, I think, in this day and in their peer groups, to want to be that.

Lord, what an amazing group you're grooming. I pray for their protection, for their convictions to remain true and strong, for this House Group to grow, for this next generation to make such an amazing impact in Your name.

December has arrived....

2008-12-05T23:13:00.006-05:00

and I'm anxiety-ridden that I'm missing it! Already I've missed getting advent calendars together, my birthday has come and gone, and we've had Jingle Bell Rock! Before you know it, Christmas will be here and I've only just gotten started with all the preparations!

Thank GOD for photos...and for friends...and for His word. They are my constant reminders that there are good things happening....things worth remembering....things to stop and reflect on....like the flowers Jess West left on my desk on my birthday....and the cheesecake the guys got for my birthday cake....and my child coming home from school for just the day to have lunch with me and make me laugh....for dinner at the Melting Pot with Vic and Fred....for Lauren, who sent me an Amazon.com gift certificate, even though she knows I haven't read all the books I have yet...and the crafts we all pitched in to make to decorate the Rock....the trees were just a brilliant collaboration of ideas....the pumpkin pie...the mad frantic dash to get all things done before show-time....making soup and dessert for our small group...and just studying His word and talking about it all!

I thank God for reminding me to slow down and count these many blessings and more....Maybe this will keep December from passing too fast after all.
"For he himself is our peace...." (Ephesians 2:14a)

Two days of thanks....

2008-11-30T20:24:00.005-05:00

This is getting to be a habit....but with so much going on, I'm lucky it isn't three days....or more....

Yesterday, Saturday, we drove the long trek home from Ohio where we spent the Thanksgiving holiday. We got a little side-tracked, missing an exit (again) and extending our travels by about an hour. HOWEVER, I was extremely grateful for the Road Atlas I have in my car that my husband always insists that I need to have in my car....especially with no GPS (something I am resisting with everything in me). Otherwise, it could have taken us much, much longer to get home. So yesterday was all about gratitude for the atlas...and gratitude for patience on the road--a long, hard lesson from ages ago...

Today I am grateful for the amazing grace of God. Grace is unmerited favor. Favor that is undeserved. And that's what I've received today...in unbelievable measure. My heart was so heavy with the burdens I was carrying...for opportunities side-stepped....for the incredibly hard things that some students are going through....and some of our parents are going through....and all the while, stubbornly and mistakenly believing that I have to take care of it all....finding myself unable to move.

And then, like that painting I saw once of a shard of light piercing the darkness, there's the Lord, lifting my head up, reminding me to keep my eyes on Him, and suddenly I realize He's carrying all of that for me and asking me just to walk. And I realize that I can.

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:9-10)

Thanks on Thanksgiving....and on the day after....

2008-11-28T11:46:00.007-05:00

(missed entering this yesterday...so hey, today we have two...again)

We started out early (VERY early) in the morning on our drive to Chardon, Ohio to visit with Fred's brother Glen and sis-in-law Robin. After staying up way too late with Hannah, and on the heels of the previous early rise and late night, my offer to start the drive wasa a bit ambitious and within an hour, we had to switch. At which point I dozed....and I say that because it seemed like only 5 minutes went by before we got to the Starbucks in Breezewood and stopped for coffee that I missed at home in our rush to be out the door.

It was there that I saw for the first time "The Perfect Oatmeal" on their menu! I absolutely LOVE oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar for breakfast. I love it especially when we're at hotels that has it on their room service menu! I was never so excited to see Starbucks has become even more a darling of my heart by serving my favorite breakfast food with my favorite coffee drink (Triple Grande, toffee nut latte, extra hot with whip)---which, by the way, no other coffee place serves. What a wonderful treat....

And Today? Today I'm grateful for my in-laws. All my sister's in law are the most amazing women and I am thanking the Lord today that we all get along so well together. Carrie, my other sister-in-law pointed out that we all married BROTHERS and so would have many similar traits that would make us pretty compatible. And I like to think that the Lord was really gracious and in bringing us all together like this.

Glen and Rob have the most adorable dogs...champion bred Corgi's - Zee (short for Zenobia) and Joeze (combined from Joe - her dad, and Zee, her mom)....they are the only dogs that make me REALLY want a dog again. And this year it's even more tempting than ever before--so stay tuned for pictures....and MAYBE more dog announcements. There's a reason that dogs are dubbed "man's best friend". Still, we'll have to pray about this and think hard about whether it's even fair to have a dog...or whether this is the best timing. And the Lord knows.

Today, I am grateful

2008-11-26T21:57:00.005-05:00

that the Lord let me have Hannah. She's home for a day or so and we've only had a handful of hours to hang out, but it's always so much fun when we do....no matter how much time we have. I'm thankful that we have the relationship that we do and that we've managed to hang in there with each other through so much and still keep the joy.

I praise the Lord for the work He continues to do in the both of us...and pray for that everyday. It's pretty amazing to think that the Lord has used her to help me grow into the person He created me to be. Never even considered that 20 years ago when I was looking out the window of that hospital room, mulling over whether I was even fit to be a mom.

Driving to Ohio tomorrow....and I hope to write my thanks on Thanksgiving....and hope that everyone has a truly blessed one!

Today's gratitude...

2008-11-25T22:08:00.002-05:00

goes to my job. And more precisely my bosses. Their wisdom and counsel and teaching have done more for my growth in Christ than anything I could have attempted on my own. They have been constant encouragements to me through their witness and their love for the staff and the students that we get the privilege of serving. They really do care about the hearts of each person and desperately want us all to embrace and depend on Christ with everything in us.

We are challenged as a staff to share our faith, memorize scripture and be reading about the amazing and inspiring lives of saints that have gone before us through much worse, with much less, and making a greater impact.

Today, in more than one instance, I was very grateful that I could sit and learn from them.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." (1 Corinthians 15:58)

Thank the Lord...

2008-11-24T20:31:00.004-05:00

for Annie getting her new coat and finally assuring me that she'll be warm through the winter! As she is newly pregnant (and newly added to the small group on Thursdays), I am making a nuisance of myself by playing the role of an additional mom in her life! :)

I'm also grateful for Annie in general, now that I'm thinking about it! :) She has listened to more of my woes than most people and we've share a zillion office stories and student experiences ...well, just more of life together, than I've share with a lot of women in such a relatively short span of time. She has offered up a smile and a prayer and place near her desk (and now in her office!) during my "melt-downs" and the Lord is so kind to have her patiently put up with me and my scatter-brainedness for so long.

It really is an amazing thing to be friends in the Lord. We truly are a family in Him...and He knits our hearts together...and it's not just words...what a gift.

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. " (1 John 4:12)

Today I'm so grateful for...

2008-11-23T22:03:00.003-05:00

the house group leaders for SH Blue Team - aka ARLINGTON HOUSE! :)

What a blessing to work with these amazing young people who love being with our students!

We had our fellowship day today with the students and went bowling! What a joy to just laugh and have fun! One of our relatively new students brought 3 friends who came for the first time to join us and are not believers. I can only praise God for the leaders He continues to send to youth ministry whose warmth and joy and faith in Him inspires and encourages our kids to even think to do that! I'm absolutely convinced that their rewards will be great in heaven for their commitment and their love.

"One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done." (Psalm 62:11-12)

Yesterday and Today....

2008-11-22T22:06:00.003-05:00

I managed to miss getting my gratitude blog up yesterday....so it gets added here:

I am grateful for Fridays! Actually, Thursdays are my Fridays and Fridays are my Saturdays and it's so great to have a work day that is a weekend day to get errands done early and get home before the Friday traffic starts! I spent the day preparing for a dinner party with the Rwanda team (and families and significant others!). It was just a wonderful reunion. We shared power-points that some of the team members put together with some of the hundreds of photos we took put to worship songs, we prayed together, broke bread together and sang the simple Rwandan praise to the Lord together---"Imana ninziza...." So blessed am I to have served with these amazing people!

"I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving."
(Psalm 69:30)

Today, Saturday, I am so, so grateful for my husband. He plays the role of the designated dish-washer after meals. Such a servant and team-mate! Last night's dinner and tonight's dinner with our Spanish tutor and her husband was all cleaned up by my man...the Lord is good...and so is the life He's given me. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Today...

2008-11-20T23:19:00.002-05:00

I'm grateful for surprises. They are, by definition, unexpected and overwhelming. Today's surprises instill and increase my faith in the God I serve. I am reminded that He is always working...that He cares beyond lengths that I am able to imagine. And surprises are just fun....at least for me, on the receiving end.

Though now that I think about it, surprising someone else is delightful and joyful, too. So, God certainly must be having a delightful time of it, then....yet there are no surprises for Him, being omniscient and all...hmm...

Thank you, Lord...

2008-11-19T23:48:00.002-05:00

for the students I get the privilege of meeting. Each one reminds me that I'm still in the classroom, learning all about his infinite love and grace! They are all so wonderful, each with such a variety of gifts, such personalities.... and I can only imagine how they might grow in Christ. I get so excited thinking about how my imagination is no where near what the Lord will really do in them! :)

Tonight I met with a freshman girl who reminded me a lot of me when I was her age. And I thank the Lord for that. I never want to grow so old as to forget what it was like at that age...and to forget where I was then and how far He's brought me. What an adventure this life has been! And I found myself desperately wanting her her see that adventure in front of her.

I keep praying that for all our students....for real life change through Christ...this generation growing into the army He designed them to be....the royal priesthood. Wow.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." (1 Peter 2:9)

Rwanda....

2008-11-18T22:05:00.002-05:00

Today, I realized how grateful I am that I was able to go to Rwanda. I don't think there's been a day since I've been home that I haven't thought about some experience there or some person. I'm grateful that the Lord allowed me to go and see the real need in another part of the world, and that He made me see that sheer man-power isn't enough to fix all the broken places in people's lives....that it has to be the life-giving power of the Gospel that WE are given a great privilege to share.

It makes me shake my head most days, to think that we who profess to love Christ and follow Him are empowered to deliver this great message to anyone and everyone that crosses our paths.

I'm grateful, too, for photographers. All of them. My friends who are photographers....the professionals that journal the stories that aren't always easy to tell with just words....the images that don't need words....the photographers on the flickr website...the scrapbookers I love....they've made me look at the world more intentionally and see things that I have missed. They've slowed me down a bit and made me take it all in a little more. And it is amazing.

And today?

2008-11-17T21:47:00.004-05:00

I'm grateful for the most comfortable sneakers in the world! I have three pair of Rocket Dogs, but I could easily have more. And even though I own twice as many pair of Converse, my allegiance and kudos go to these beloved shoes. They feel so great on my feet....like slippers. Plus they are just plain fun! :)

So I thank the Lord that I can have them...and pray for all those who we in Student Ministries have bought shoes for in the past, and those we are buying shoes for this coming year. Lord, help us to remember in providing for those who can't provide for themselves, that we are blessed so that we can bless others. Let us be your hands and your feet as we share the good news of a Father that owns the cattle on a thousand hills.

Gratitude for...

2008-11-16T18:23:00.003-05:00

my crock-pot! Especially as the weather gets colder--the comfort food time of year...soups...stews...and chili. With house groups meeting at my house, I'm too much of a Martha Stewart at heart to leave it at pizza every week. This innovative kitchen tool affords me the option of a home-cooked meal for everyone, with hardly any work or stress!

Last night, I was able to throw the ingredients for chili into the pot (with the help of my trusty sous-chef and husband extraordinaire!) and turn it on this morning before leaving for church. We all arrived to a hot-cooked pot of chili and had only to wait a few minutes for corn muffins and salad. Our amazing Natalia brought another pasta dish from home so we had such a buffet!

Food and fellowship...and bible study on the topic of prayer.....it makes for a really great fall day.

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." (Acts 2:42)

Today, I'm grateful for....

2008-11-15T21:09:00.003-05:00

my IPod and the sermon podcasts that we have access to. How blessed we are to live in a country and in a time and place that allows us to hear so many gifted teachers instruct us in the Word of God.

And in the very same time in other parts of this world, there are brothers and sisters in Christ are dying for professing their faith....for praying in their homes....for sharing the gospel to everyone and anyone that will hear them....for listening to a radio broadcast teaching them a bible study.

"Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." (Psalm 119:33-37)

Today, I'm grateful for....

2008-11-14T22:54:00.003-05:00

God. I'm grateful for the relationship that He has extended to me. I'm grateful for His patience with me and his overwhelming love for me. This morning as I read in Jeremiah, I was reminded once again that He holds back his wrath. This morning as I walked in the drizzling rain, committing that time with Him, I suddenly remembered the scripture memory verses we're working on. They came to me clear as a bell and I could say them out loud several times in a row. This morning I was once again struck with amazement by His presence that is so evident and real--that He walks and talks with me.

"What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?" (Deuteronomy 4:7)

A Month of Gratitude....

2008-11-13T21:55:00.004-05:00

So we started small group again, after what seemed an endless amount of time being off for summer stuff, travels, etc. Having started a scrapbooking project for the month of November by the same name, I suggested that we do a-month-of-gratitude blogs to try and keep our hearts positioned in the right place before the Lord as we go through a study about our identity in Christ.

I'm excited about the life change that is inevitable when we seek Him so intentionally. I'm excited about the girls being excited...AND we're adding to the group!

So...in the spirit of the blog:

Today, I'm grateful for our small group....the personalities...the gifts they bring to the table...the joy...and the accountability. The body of Christ is an amazing thing. Something else that reflects that He is.

"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." (Psalm 119:18)

Home again, home again...

2008-11-11T17:09:00.003-05:00

So I'm back from Israel....and life continues to move at a tremendous pace. Since coming home, I've made it through Halloween, Election Day, the Dare2Share Conference, house group meeting on Sunday and the first real day back at the office.

Today we have off for Veterans Day, and I've been indoors listening to sermons, thinking about what kind of life change is taking place right now with all that I've been experiencing lately. Seems like a little bit of a train-wreck is taking place. At least the wheels that are usually spinning are slowing to a screeching halt and some weighty thinking is dragging me down just a bit more than usual.

Or, it could be my age.

At the Dare2Share Conference, 4,000 high school students from all over the area met at the Patriot Center at George Mason University, to be trained and encouraged and charged to really embrace their relationship with Jesus and share the gospel, the good news of salvation, to their friends and anyone that crosses their paths. It was sobering to look over that crowd of kids and know that the battle ahead is real....and it will be HARD.

I'm faced once again with how I live this life I've been given and the responsibility I have of walking as a Christ FOLLOWER....someone who lives and makes choices not like the rest of the world, but as the Lord tells us we should. Someone who's supposed to be an example...a witness to His power. And I see huge shortcomings. The temptation is to be overwhelmed with that and become defeated.

Then, like a whisper out of no where, I'm reminded that it isn't me than everything depends on....that I can't do anything perfectly....that I just need to keep moving, saying "yes, Lord" and believing that the supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control is there for the asking....is there within me, and I must let Him take care of the outcome. And I shake my head again at how present my God is, how He is with me and knows my every thought and meets me where I am.

"For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised." (2 Corinthians 5:14-15)

Petra...and crossing into Jordan...

2008-10-27T11:48:00.006-04:00

(NOTE: Sorry for the lack of photos....for some reason, Blogger isn't uploading them for me, so I'm saving the frustration for more important things...)

This morning we were up at the crack of dawn and grabbed a quick (and I mean QUICK) breakfast before heading out to cross over into the country of Jordan where Petra is located. We add another stamp to our passports---and by the way, let me tell you how much fun it is to look at my passport these days! My husband points out that I've been to almost every continent, except for Antarctica and Australia....still, there are so many more countries to see in those continents! Looking forward to where the Lord leads next! :)

Okay, so Petra was all that and a bag of chips! The Indiana Jones movies really are becoming a little silly, but Petra was even more amazing than the movie depicted....and when you come upon the ancient city, you really do feel like you've walked into a movie!

Again, the Lord blessed us with the best weather possible and it was great to get a moderately strenuous walk in after eating all the great food we've been having here!

We've seen Bedouins in their tents in the most desolate places I've ever seen with my own eyes, tending goats and sheep (and what those poor animals eat besides rock is a mystery to me!). We're told that they are a people who are professionals...they've been successful in learning the land and where the hidden springs and cisterns are all over the desert. We've seen acacia trees, what the bible says that the Ark of the Covenant was built with, and we're staying in a hotel that overlooks the Red Sea. Again, with all the distractions, it's hard to imagine what Moses saw, but the wilderness? Yes, I can see how wandering around there should have straightened anyone out....and gives me an appreciation of how "stiff-necked" a people he was leading!

"Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the Sea, at the Red Sea. Yet he saved them for his name's sake, that he might make known his mighty power." (Psalm 106:7-8)

Praise the Lord for his saving grace! And I'm praying that He reveals the "stiff-necked" positions in my own heart and life. Wandering around in the wilderness, even if you DO know where the water is, pales in comparison to the land of milk and honey that He so wants to lead us to.

I've had the delightful privilege to talk with so many people from all walks of life on this trip. A Messianic Jewish woman has particularly blessed me with her passion and perspective in our conversations. I listen to her, watching the joy stream from her face....I think of a Jewish student we support who was here evangelizing for 7 weeks over the summer and re-read her words of excitement and challenge....and I am moved once again to pray for the peace of Jerusalem and pray for His chosen people to come to know the fullness of His love and plan for them. So if you're reading this, pray with me, okay?

The Fortress at Masada...and the Dead Sea....

2008-10-26T15:23:00.006-04:00

Have I talked at all about what great weather the Lord is blessing us with here? It seems like every place we've been so far, Motti, our really delightful guide, has managed to say some form of the following: "Is very unusual to have this kind of weather." or "Is normally much (hotter/colder)."

I'm thinking of our morning on the Temple Mount, where Lon actually said that of the 30 or so times he's been to Israel and brought groups to the Temple Mount, he's only been allowed to go to the Golden Gate only 6 times. Jesus will walk through that gate when he returns again. You can see it and imagine how grand that will be.

I'm also thinking of our visit to Masada, where we expected the dry desert heat of the day up on that hill 1200 feet up (we took a high speed cable car up, opting not to walk!) to really make it rough, but instead, we had wonderful breezes and coolness in the places of shade.

At the Dead Sea, well...that ended up somehow being refreshing, though the water that held us up was lukewarm and more like oil than water....

"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. " (Psalm 103: 1-5)

Jesus IS the son of God...

2008-10-25T11:16:00.009-04:00

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We had communion today at the site where experts believe the tomb of Christ is located--the Garden Tomb. It was near Golgotha and was a really beautiful, peaceful garden kept up by a British Bible Society. They are committed to giving the gospel and it was wonderful to hear the pastor speak with such passion and conviction that Jesus is risen, whether from this actual spot or not.

This morning, we started at the Pool of Bethesda and sat in the courtyard of the Church of St. Anne as Lon read the story of the lame man that was asked by Jesus if he wanted to be healed. The healed man took up his mat as Jesus instructed him to, and when the Pharisees asked him about carrying his mat on the Sabbath, (completely ignoring the fact that he was healed), the man told them that's what Jesus said to do and that's what he did. (John 5)

Jesus IS who He says He is...and people can renounce, reject or reproach him, but they cannot redefine Him. Lon challenged us as believers to remember that we are His people and defend who He is by our living our lives like we know that....and our unwillingness to back down from a world's desire to change our minds about who He is.

The place that pierced my heart was the Lithostrotos where we were able to stand on the pavement that Jesus was beaten on and where he walked to Golgotha. There were so many distractions along the Via Dolorosa, but in the quiet of the church that housed that pavement section, I thanked Him again and again for my salvation that cost Him so dearly.

Looking out over Bethlehem from our vantage point at the Kibbutz Ramat Rachel after lunch, we hear again the story of Mary traveling to Nazareth, pregnant, on the back of a donkey, and think on how hard that must have been. We are asked to think of how much we gripe and complain about our own circumstances--whatever they may be--completely forgetting that the Lord has everything under control, as He did with Mary. At the time, she couldn't have understood....as I often don't understand...what all that we are going through means.

But isn't that the real meaning of "follower"? Who could possibly be more trust-worthy, more deserving of admiration, more demanding of respect than the one who is risen?

The Temple Mount and the Garden of Gethsemane...

2008-10-24T15:13:00.002-04:00

Today we sat on the Hulda steps on the West Wall, outside "The Beautiful Gate" where Acts 3 took place. We were sitting in the 8am sun, looking at the Mount of Olives while Lon talked about Jesus' transforming power, which is complete. Lon challenged those who call themselves Christians but have never committed their hearts completely to Him. He asked them to pray the prayer of salvation silently with him. There, before all the Jewish grave sites, of all those who believe they will rise up to march into the Beautiful Gate with Jesus when he returns, I was moved once again with the image of following our Lord and King into his kingdom.

We moved, then, to the part of the wall that has been unearthed from dust and debris. Part of the actual walls that were up when Jesus was there, that the Romans tore down. It's incomprehensible...and yet there we were....with 2000 year old stones...

At the traditional Wailing Wall, I had prayers written on tiny pieces of paper for friends, family and neighbors, yet what caused me to cry and pray with my hand on the cool stones of that wall were the people of Jerusalem...the people who were crying and wailing without the comfort of Jesus' atonement. It is overwhelming to be at the Wall, to be in the midst of so much emotion.

Afterwards, one of the women on the trip and I start to talk about how we both did the Beth Moore study about the Psalms of Accents and how we felt it was a time of preparation for this trip...neither one of us could talk without crying....more gifts....

I'm spending a LOT of time crying on this trip. How can I not? When the Lord is just so kind? In the Garden of Gethsemane at the Rock of Agony, we see a bas relief of Jesus praying over the rock. Fred comments how it was the same position He had in the Passion of the Christ when he was receiving the 40 lashes. Think of our Lord in the garden...

Lon talked about our living under his lordship...what does LORDSHIP mean?

And I am reminded of the verses I hold so dear, the verses that put everything in the right perspective: "For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all that those who live MIGHT NO LONGER LIVE FOR THEMSELVES BUT FOR HIM who for their sake died and was raised." (2 Corinthians 5:14-15)

And today in Jerusalem....

2008-10-23T11:21:00.005-04:00

(NOTE: I'm not able to upload any pictures from this day....will update to make it more interesting later...)

Today we leave our deluxe hotel next to the Sea of Galilea and head around to the east side to a byzantine church in Kursi. This is built on the site of the cave that the demoniac came from---you remember, from whom Jesus cast out Legion into the heard of swine? The story is in chapter five of the Gospel of Mark. The man, after being delivered, wants to go with Jesus, but Jesus sends him back to tell everyone at home and everyone he meets about what Jesus did for him. He was instructed to go home and be a missionary to the family. The people in the town just wanted Jesus gone. They weren't so impressed with the man being delivered---only their losing their bacon. The point that Lon made here was that people are more important. Than what? Than anything you can fill in the blank with...money, your livelihood (swine herding), more than your own reputation....

We then boarded the buses and traveled across the border to the West Bank...and yes, I'm alive to tell about it! :) There really was no danger to this at all...there was barely a glance from the border crossing guards. And the Jordan Valley is too wonderful for not to capture all your attention anyway. The dry, desert place that suddenly has green and fertile lands and crops...by water all brought in through complex irrigation systems, producing an amazing array of food! We see the land that Jericho, where Joshua fought that battle....and then driving up to Jerusalem, we're in the hills that still have parts of the Roman roads built there....it's all a little surreal. The wilderness in which David hides from Saul for seven years is actually a dry, desert, canyon-like place. Lon points it out wondering how Saul could have ever found David.

But nothing is more surreal than arriving in Jerusalem itself and seeing the sight that everyone in the world is familiar with in one way or another. We drive up to the Mount of Olives and sit as Lon tells us about all the gates and the Dome of the Rock, and the site where the experts believe that the Holy of Holies really is....and we listen to him read the story of Jesus weeping over Jerusalem....and he challenges us to remember when the last time was that we wept over loved ones or friends that we know are lost....and I remembered...and wept again....it's hard not to.

I pray for my family and friends....I pray for students I know....and I pray desperate, longing prayers that do, in fact, cause me to weep...and I know you are all in for a great treat...because, as Lon reminds us, those are the prayers of Jesus' own heart.

Where Jesus Walked....and Gifts (cont)

2008-10-22T11:47:00.001-04:00

From the top of the church on Mt. Carmel today, we were able to see the most breath-taking view of the valley where the last battle is to take place when Jesus returns. We can see the airstrips for the Israeli Air Force and we’re told about how the planes are all underground….so cool. Lon then reads to us the story of Elijah and the show-down with the prophets of Baal again reminding us of the power of prayer and having the right motive in our hearts---His glory. (Read 1 Kings 18:17-39) Going down into the valley, to the plains of Megiddo (we mess up the Hebrew pronunciation of “har-meggido” by calling it Armageddon), Lon gave us “the fastest eschatology (study of the end times) lesson you’ll ever have”—I’ll say! And yet I managed to retain yet a few more new pieces of this mysterious future of ours.

In Nazareth we see the well where it is said that the angel Gabriel spoke to Mary to tell her of how God favored her and how she’d be the mother of Jesus. The well is situated in the Syrian Orthodox church in Nazareth making it hard for me to imagine Mary there with the angel….but it is just a small, simple spring…and wouldn’t it be just that? Lon shares with us here another personal story about prayer, and limiting God in our minds (a painful reminder in Psalm 78). I love these stories….

Being here in Jerusalem, you begin to understand so much more about this tiny little nation that brings so much attention to itself. We drive through the villages and towns and cities, much more developed and yet somehow, much older and unkempt….and I think about how these developments are built around ruins and relics that are more than 2000 years old. I am again reminded of how young the United States is as a country…and how little we really know about the rest of this very old world and it’s cultures that have gone through more than we can really study in one lifetime.

But tonight as I return to the hotel, what do I remember out of nowhere? The simple song we learned in Kinyarwandan…”Imana ninziza, Imana ninziza, Imana ninziza, ninziza cyane” – God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He’s so good to me.

Where Jesus Walked....and Gifts….

2008-10-21T14:42:00.002-04:00

My husband, Fred and I are in Jerusalem. We’re on a tour that our Sr. Pastor, Lon Solomon leads each year. We departed Sunday to arrive Monday and board buses that took us to Caesarea. Lon was on our bus and informed us that our guide and owner of the tour company, Motti, had arranged for us to arrive on the eve of Sukkot, or the Feast of the Tabernacle or Booths. There would be big celebrations all over Israel that night, and as we drove through the villages, we were able to see the “booths” people has set up in their yards, covered with palm trees. I remember being enchanted by the description in the first pages of Lauren Winner’s book Girl Meets God. I also remember a little of Beth Moore’s teaching in Stepping Up. I thanked God with a knot in my throat.

We then arrive at Caesarea and go to the Roman amphitheater to hear Lon talk about the Apostle Paul being imprisoned and his appeal to Felix – which I just read in my devotions a few days before arriving, another gift from the Lord.

Today, we visit the church that commemorates the site where Jesus sat with Peter after the resurrection…Lon talked about how Jesus challenged Peter by asking three times if he loved Him. Lon talked about how our relationship with Jesus is not about performance…that I'll never do enough to deserve His love....that I’m good enough just as I am.

And at the end of the day, I was baptized by the pastor of my church in the Jordan River. I’ve been baptized before…always by the pastor of the church I was in. I never thought I’d really get a chance with as large a church as McLean. I realized only after the fact, that God set it all up ...again

I keep wondering at how in the world all these tiny little things that mean so much to me are on His radar. I feel very loved by our Lord right now….very, very loved.

Friday night...almost Saturday morning...

2008-10-17T23:52:00.013-04:00

I read this really cool idea from the Blog of Note for today--Reading Adventure--who posted a Teaser Tuesday idea from ShouldBeReading:

Grab your current read.
Let the book fall open to a random page.
Share with us two (2) “teaser” sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12.
You also need to share the title of the book that you’re getting your “teaser” from … that way people can have some great book recommendations if they like the teaser you’ve given!
Please avoid spoilers!

Okay, so here's my random page, 117, from The Courage to Be Protestant by David Wells:

"There is not in fact any part of our lives that is not touched in some way by the world in which we live. This external world, therefore, should be encountering in us a knowledge of God and of his truth at every point where its information, opportunities, threats, anxieties, hopes, techniques, beliefs, and moral expectations enter our inner world."

Wow. Now this blows me away! It's really amazing how the Lord aligns all our hearts to the same message. Chip Ingram spoke the same message at the DTS conference at the Cove. "This external world...should be encountering in us a knowledge of God and of his truth...."

So the question is, how is the world encountering that knowledge in me?

I should be sleeping...

2008-10-15T23:38:00.004-04:00

but instead I'm up pondering the day. I took my camera with me to work---something I try to do often...and took a bunch of pictures of my commute and of the trees that are turning really wonderful colors. Someone else made a comment about being from further North and not really being impressed with our trees turning....but I love this time of year...and I love the colors we get, especially if it's rained a lot which it has---at least more so than last year.

Tonight at the Rock, our students lead the prayer, gave testimonies, and a student even gave the message, with Dale closing. We had visitors come, Youth For Tomorrow kids, who talked a lot, but some of them heard and clapped for the message. I talked with a few students who told me very important stuff and I mostly listened for once.

And all of this pondering over the day, leaves me restless for more of what God is going to do here and now in this place. I want to see transformation happening all around me. I want to see students living up to all that they are in Christ...to admit that they aren't anywhere near Christ and want to be. I want to pray effective prayers that availeth much....I want to do what I'm supposed to, what the Lord created me to do and know what that is and be intentional about it.

I'm about to leave the country again...going to Israel...going to see where Jesus walked. I'm looking for the Lord...listening for His voice through this trip...to add to all the other things He's been showing me this year. Maybe He'll see fit to show me how all the pieces fit together...all the lessons I've been learning this year.

Now I lay me down to sleep....

Compelled to blog...

2008-10-13T21:36:00.010-04:00

I prayed that God would let me to go to Africa some day....lots of people have prayed those kinds of prayers....I guess I didn't really believe He'd actually say yes. So it was a little unnerving to be asked to go on a Global Impact Mission trip to Rwanda a few weeks ago with a staff team--Unnerving and exciting all at once.

A member of our team, a young pastor from our church who works with our college students---whom I was delighted to get to know better--blogged through the whole trip whenever internet access was up and running. And when I returned home, I read all that he'd written and I was greatly impacted by his reports on our experiences there---by his depth of insight.

I also returned home to a conference my husband and I attended in North Carolina at the Cove--Billy Graham's Training Center. It was a marriage conference for men in ministry and their wives....only the roles were reversed for us. The conference really centered around how we are new creatures in Christ when we turn our lives over to Jesus and accept Him as our Lord and savior. We should be living as transformed people, the old having passed away and all things now being new--and yet the church is not really doing that very well. Individual believers are not doing that very well...and marriages...well, you know...

And somehow these two events have worked together to challenge me in my walk with Christ. How am I supposed to live as a citizen of one of the most privileged nations in the world and be a reflection of Him?

So, I guess it's time for me to jump on the blogging bandwagon and keep track of this amazing adventure...the life He's seen fit to give me.